You don't kick retarded children. It just isn't done. It's in poor taste. And, you don't really need anybody to enumerate the deficiencies of a movie like Skyline. It's not a good movie. You know that. That's why you didn't go to see it (nobody did). You know who you can kick though? Assholes. If you see an asshole, kick it. If a retarded kid is running amok because his asshole parents are too busy being assholes to take care of him, don't kick the retarded kid, kick the assholes. Kick em. Just kick their teeth in.
So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna complain about Skyline. I'm gonna complain about the assholes that made it. And oooh boy are they assholes.
THERE IS A SCENE IN THIS FILM IN WHICH WRITER/DIRECTER/SPECIAL EFFECTS SUPERVISOR/ASSHOLE JOSHUA CORDES MASTURBATES ON CAMERA.
Yeah that's right.
It's not ironic or anything either, it's just part of the movie.
This movie isn't worth watching. Even if you're watching it explicitly to find terrible stuff that's easy to complain about (Trust me). But the commentary, oh shit the commentary.
The first thing you need to know about skyline is that everyone is a visual effects guy. EVERYONE. The writers: effects guys. The directors: effects guys. The characters: effects guys. Ironically, the effects guys seem to be... I dunno but not effects guys.
So these effects guys are just going on and on about how fucking awesome they are. I'm not fucking kidding. The dude introduces himself as 'an all around awesome guy', then he makes a big deal about how awesome he must be to have written this awesome script in an afternoon. Then he goes on about how awesome the characters are because they're just like him, and then the characters bang a bunch of chicks and he goes on about how the chick banging sequence is based on his real life experiences (presumably awesome ones). Then he points out all of the awesome cameos by his awesome wife, 'pet'. Oh and the apartment the movie is in is so awesome and it belongs to their awesome friend.
During all of this he's doing these fucking awful voices and he has this grating faux silliness like his 'personality' is just a bunch of Jack Black B-sides loosely held together with Paul Rudd's vomit.
Their commentary is totally devoid of content. They can't tell you anything about what the fuck is going on in their piece of shit movie because they might use that stuff in the 'Director's Cut' or the 'Sequels'. Oh yeah, great. That's great. That'll be awesome.
One sequence in particular is pretty astounding. A swarm of badly animated stealth bomber drone things with, 'nookyooler' weapons on them attack a big blue-glowing mother ship that hovers over LA and sends down occasional beams of blue light to kill everybody. The writers bemoan 'getting shit' from audiences who'll say, 'This is just like Independence Day!' What's with those guys? That movie was years ago!
It should be noted that the aliens look just like the aliens from Independence day. Or do they? Because, like the aliens from Independence day these aliens turn out to be mere shells that house the real aliens inside! It should be noted that these inner aliens, if the horrible CGI can be said to 'look like' anything, also look just like the aliens from Independence Day.
Also it's nothing like Independence Day! Independence Day falls for that tired old cliche of nukes that don't work. But in this movie the nukes do work. The awesome writers go on and on about how clever they are and how they're subverting the genre, and how that's 'how they get down', and man they're just so awesome! It's all so awesome!
Unfortunately they go off on a tangent of inside jokes and self aggrandizing name dropping before the following scene in which it's revealed that the nuke did not in fact work. How's that for awesome genre subverting!
Now, the thing about assholes is that they don't know they're assholes. More importantly, they refuse to acknowledge their behavior, even in the face of incontrovertible evidence. What we have here is a perfect crystallized microcosm of assholeness. It's the essence of jerk frozen in Amber. It's a teaching tool. Go listen to it. Is this how you act? Is this how you talk, or how you think? If it is, then you're an asshole.
I can already hear these morons defending their shit movie. Well, I'm not reviewing your shit movie. I'm reviewing you. You suck. YOU are an asshole. 'We were just having fun! Don't you get that it's a joke?' That's the same argument that Glenn Beck makes. The key is to ask yourself if you decided that it was a joke before you did it. It also helps if the joke is funny, or clever, or anything other than shit. 'Like other stuff but not clever or good', is not a joke, it's a sickness.
In the end, humanity is destroyed, and the heroes captured. The aliens harvest human brains and use them to control some poorly realized bio-mechanical warrior drones. As the protagonist's brain is removed and his body discarded, the writers pat each other on the back. If it's the opposite of what usually happens, it's good writing. Or else it's a joke, they'll decide later.
But what's this? The hero's brain has a strange red glow! He takes control of the bio-mechanical drone and thrashes around. There's some nonsense CGI and swelling music. Maybe it's a climactic fight or whatever. He grabs his oddly unfazed girlfriend and the two of them run off. The writers reveal their true intentions: This shitty Independence Day ripoff is just back story for their truly brilliant concept of a shitty Incredible Hulk rip off! It'll be just like the Hulk, but without characters, or personality, or anything anybody cares about.
They actually tout this as being something that somebody would want. They make funny voices and spout absurd catch phrases. They're awful. They're assholes. I hope they get help. I hope Roland Emmerich pees in their azaleas. But, above all, I hope that they stop making movies.
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